The Apology That May Never Come
The Apology That May Never Come by Cynthia Greene
Every one of us has been hurt, offended, betrayed, disappointed, shamed, abandoned at some point in our lives by others. Sometimes those wounds come from strangers, but often they come from those closest to us, our spouses, parents, children, family, friends and those in the church. Those are the people we have trusted, shared our innermost thoughts with and believed would never intentionally hurt us. The words spoken, actions taken, or love withheld leave deep scars that remain long after the event has passed.
Those experiences not only hurt us in the moment, but leave lasting effects on our heart, relationships, and even how we relate to God and walk out our Christian faith. We can be going about our day and suddenly we are triggered by a conversation, place, or song. Before we can stop it, we are feeling stressed, our heart is racing, we come to tears and find ourselves reliving the hurt as though it just happened.
There have been situations in my own life where I truly believed I had forgiven someone. Months or even years later, something triggers a reminder and brings both the memories and the emotions back as if it was happening all over again. Then I would wonder, why is this still bothering me? Have I not forgiven them? Did God not hear my prayer and words when I truly forgave them? As a mature Christian, I have a desire to follow what the Scriptures teach about forgiveness and know the dangers of allowing bitterness to take root and I want to avoid those pitfalls.
“ For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. (Matthew 6:14-15)
“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:25
“As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:12)
You are probably like me, you know these Scriptures. You know the importance of forgiving others as we have been forgiven. We want to move forward in our healing and put the past behind us. We believe in God’s word and want to follow the instruction to forgive others. We sincerely desire to obey. Yet. forgiveness is often much harder than we thought it would be and we don’t understand why we still struggle with forgiveness.
Why do we keep remembering all the details of what was said or done to us? Why do we continue to replay the conversations in our minds and imagine what we should have said or how we should have reacted? We wonder if they realize how deeply they hurt us and the long term effect their words and actions have had on our lives. We want the truth to come out. We want to be acknowledged for what we suffered. We want the relationship to be restored. We want things to return back to the way they were. If only they would do the right thing and admit what they did.
I know I have caught myself thinking,
“if they would only admit what they did…”
“if they would sincerely apologize…”
“if they would acknowledge how deeply they hurt me…”
“then I could move on.”
Have you too found yourself thinking that you would feel that justice has been served if you were given a sincere apology?
Why is it so difficult for us to just forgive, put it behind us, and then move on?
The reason is that our enemy, Satan, wants to use old wounds to “steal, kill, and to destroy us” (John 10:10). He continually takes any opportunity to remind us of old offenses, false accusations, hurtful words, disappointment, betrayal, and abandonment.
The emotions and hurt we feel when those old memories come to mind are real and we feel the hurt all over again. Often the memories bring us tears. anger, anxiety, and stress.
We take these matters to God asking Him to make things right, to bring the truth to light, to change the other person’s heart.
Sometimes He does.
Sometimes He doesn’t.
Not because He doesn’t love us. It is because He allows everyone freedom of choice and He will never force someone else to do the right thing and repent, apologize or admit the harm they caused us. Each person is responsible for their own decisions and actions.
We think that if the apology comes and things are made right then we can have peace in our lives. We believe we cannot heal until things have been made right. We attach our healing to another person’s decisions. We give them the power to determine if we will be in peace.
Lysa TerKeurst, president of Proverbs 31 Ministries expressed how we feel when we are struggling with unforgiveness:
“So at some point we have to put a stake in the ground and declare that we deserve to stop suffering because of what another person did. Is it fair? No, it’s not fair. It will never be fair. Do you wish that that the other person would fall on their knees and say they’re sorry? 100% we do. But if that person never says they’re sorry, they never own what they did, we’ve got to make the choice to detach our ability to heal from choices they may never make.
We may never have that epic conversation, but we can put a stake in the ground and declare, I deserve to stop suffering because of what another person has done to me. My choice to heal is my choice to live and move forward. And I think that’s really important. We can hold up the banner of victim or we can hold up the banner of victory, but we can’t hold up both at the same time.” – Lisa Terkeurst (Source Video)
If your healing depends on their apology then that person still has control and influence over your life. Waiting for justice to arrive before you heal is never what God intended. God saw everything. And even when we are unjustly wronged and hurt He can use all things for His good (Romans 8:28). Our peace should not depend on others or our circumstances. Our peace is a gift from God and forgiveness is the first step.
How Do We Forgive When It Still Hurts?
Forgiveness does not mean giving others a pass for the wrong behavior. It does not require reconciliation. It does not take away the repercussions and reactions that followed what happened.
Forgiveness means releasing the debt into God’s hands. Choosing to not be bitter or seek restitution. Healing takes time and is a process. It doesn’t mean that when you prayed and forgave the person you didn’t mean it. When memories resurface it is just an indication that there is more healing.
As we surrender the hurt to the Lord, He gradually brings us peace. The memories may remain, but they will no longer trigger you to emotions that you cannot control
What if they never apologize? Will your life remain on hold? No. Healing is not dependent on someone else’s apology.
We are not without hope or an answer for our broken hearts and troubled minds. We can choose to have freedom from the chains of unforgiveness that keeps us from moving forward.
Our Father promises to heal the brokenhearted and not leave us captive to the pain and hurt others have caused us. (Psalm 147:3)
What Can We Do When Past Hurts Keep Coming Back to Our Memory
- Bring the hurt to the Father in prayer.
- Forgive the person who hurt you and release them into God’s hands.
- Ask the Father to heal your heart and renew your mind.
- Ask Him to help you resist the enemy when painful memories resurface.
- Take your thoughts captive.
- Rebuke the condemnation and strongholds from the enemy.Refuse to dwell on the offense.
- Replace lies with God’s truth. (Philippians 4:8)
- Trust God’s justice.
- God saw and heard everything.
- Leave justice and vengeance in His hands and stop carrying the burden yourself.
- Choose gratitude and service to others.
- Thank God for everything.
- Seek out opportunities to bless and encourage others.
- Extend mercy and grace every day.
- Remember we have been forgiven by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.
- Practice forgiveness every day.
Suggested Prayer:
“Father, I am still holding onto feelings and emotions of _____ toward _____ because of the hurt they caused me. You were witness to all and know what happened and nothing has escaped your notice.
Today, I choose to forgive them, just as You have forgiven me through Christ. I release this person into Your hands and surrender my desire for justice, knowing that You are the Perfect Judge.
Please help me to let go of the hurt, painful memories, anger and every emotion that continues to bother me. I stand against the enemy and ask that all strongholds be broken that are connected to this hurt. Guard my heart against bitterness, resentment, pride and unforgiveness. I pray that you heal what still hurts inside me and help me take those thoughts captive and replace them with Your truth.
Fill me with your peace and heal my broken heart. Pour out Your love to me and teach me to love and show mercy to others.
Thank you for always being in my life, for seeing every tear I cry and for providing me healing.
In Jesus’ name, Amen”
Remember that forgiveness is a process and healing takes times. Just because painful memories and emotions resurface does not mean you have forgiven incorrectly or that your forgiveness was not genuine. Forgiveness is a decision of obedience that we choose to make. God does not force us or anyone else to repent or forgive. It is an act of surrendering our hurt and pain to Him and allowing him to be the Perfect Judge in the matter.
Remember, that the Holy Spirit is our Comforter, Counselor, and Guide. It is there to help us through the healing process and can strengthen us when we struggle.
“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)